Only The Best Jokes


Only the Best!

Send me your Favorite Joke (just the best) and I will Post it.

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Table of Jokes

  1. Are Cowboys Lesbians? (5/21/99)
  2. Two nuns went out of the convent to sell cookies. (5/21/99)
  3. Love Vs Lust Vs Marriage (5/21/99)
  4. Politically Correct Ways To Say Someone Is STUPID (5/21/99)
  5. You might be a Redneck Jedi if: (5/21/99)
  6. Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they mean..) (6/1/99 from Jannelle)
  7. Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean...) (6/1/99 from Jannelle)
  8. Blonde Goes Horseback Riding (6/8/99 from Alison)
  9. Some Actual Signs (6/8/99)
  10. Please send an ambulance right away (6/8/99)
  11. A Cowboy's Wish (7/12/99 from Michael)
  12. CAT DIARY, part 2 (7/13/99 from Steve)
  13. GEORGE CARLIN WITTICISMS: (7/23/99 from Tony)
  14. HoW  To  KeEp A   hEaLtHy   LeVeL  Of  InSaNiTy AnD  dRiVe  OtHeR PeOpLe iNsAnE. (7/28/99)
  15. TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO JOIN E-MAILERS ANONYMOUS (3/9/00)
  16. Quote by Robin Williams (3/9/00)
  17. Lit'l Nancy (7/21/00 from Bob)

 

Are Cowboys Lesbians?

An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

"Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences... I guess I am," replied the cowboy.

After a short while he asked her what she was.

"I've never been on a ranch so I know I'm not a cowboy," said the young woman, "but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women.

As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women. When I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

"I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

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Two nuns went out of the convent to sell cookies.

One of them is known as Sister Mathematical(SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical(SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour?

SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is that we have to start walking faster.

SM: It is not working.

SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only obvious thing to do. He started to walk faster too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow both of us.

So the man decided to go after Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not yet arrived. Finally, Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell us what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he followed me.

SM: So, what happened? Please tell us.

SL: The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could.

SM: So what happened?

SL: The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And what else?

SL: The only logical thing to happen. He reached me.

SM: Oh, no! What did you do then?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister. What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

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Love Vs Lust Vs Marriage

LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room. LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room. MARRIAGE - When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.

LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love." LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing." MARRIAGE - When intercourse is a town in Pennsylvania.

LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have. LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot. MARRIAGE - When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.

LOVE - When you share everything you own. LUST - When you steal everything they own. MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax. LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax. MARRIAGE - When ... uh ... what's a climax?

LOVE - When you phone each other just to say, "Hi." LUST - When you phone each other to pick a hotel room. MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to bitch about work.

LOVE - When you write poems about your partner. LUST - When all you write is your phone number. MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.

LOVE - When your only concern is for your partner's feelings. LUST - When your only concern is to find a room with mirrors on the ceiling. MARRIAGE - When you're only concern is what's on TV.

LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner. LUST - When you only see each other naked. MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.

LOVE - When your heart flutters every time you see them. LUST - When your groin twitches every time you see them. MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties every time you see them.

LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel. LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it. MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.

LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about. LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about. MARRIAGE - When just getting through the day is your only thought.

LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner. LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner. MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.

LOVE- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk. LUST- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex. MARRIAGE- When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement.

LOVE- You only leave the house to buy coffee and doughnuts. LUST- You only leave the house to buy condoms and Jell-O. MARRIAGE- You only leave the house when you're allowed.

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POLITICALLY CORRECT WAYS TO SAY SOMEONE IS STUPID

  1. A few clowns short of a circus.
  2. A few fries short of a happy meal.
  3. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
  4. All foam, no beer.
  5. The butter has slipped off his pancake.
  6. The cheese slid off his cracker.
  7. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
  8. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
  9. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
  10. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
  11. As smart as bait.
  12. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
  13. Her sewing machine's out of thread.
  14. One fruit loop shy of a full bowl.
  15. Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
  16. His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
  17. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
  18. Receiver is off the hook.
  19. Not wired to code.
  20. Skylight leaks a little.
  21. Her slinky's kinked.
  22. Too much yardage between the goal posts.
  23. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.
  24. A photographic memory, but the lens cover is on.
  25. During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.
  26. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
  27. Is so dense, light bends around her.
  28. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
  29. Standing close to her, you can hear the ocean.
  30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
  31. She stayed on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long.

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You might be a Redneck Jedi if:

  • You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all"
  • Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
  • You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
  • At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
  • You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
  • You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
  • The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
  • Wookies are offended by your B.O.
  • You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
  • You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
  • Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side ... it'll be a hoot."
  • You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light
  • You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
  • You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
  • You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
  • Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
  • You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
  • You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
  • You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
  • Your business cards read "Cleatus, Jedi Master".
  • Your Y-wing fighter has a bumper sticker that reads "My other fighter is an X-wing".
  • You know Ewoks squeal like pigs.
  • You use your R-2 unit as a beer coaster.
  • When your sister wears her metallic bikini, you insist she travels by clinging to you while swinging on a rope.
  • Your land-speeder had a light saber rack.
  • Your land-speeder has a bumper sticker that reads "Protected by Smith & Wesson Light Sabers"
  • -If you hear ... "Luke, I am your father ... AND your uncle !"

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Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they mean..)

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one Jurassic geezer.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend (who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).

5. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)

And the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it actually means)

1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing)

In response:

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean...)

10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)

6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)

5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)

2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)

And the number 1 rejection line given by men (and what it actually means)

1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)

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BLONDE GOES HORSEBACK RIDING

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, the Wal-Mart manager sees her and shuts the horse off.

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Some Actual Signs

  • In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
  • On an electrician's truck, "Let us remove your shorts."
  • Outside a radiator repair shop, "Best place in town to take a leak."
  • In a nonsmoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
  • On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push."
  • On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
  • At an optometrist's office, "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
  • On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."
  • On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."
  • On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
  • At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet-miss a car payment."
  • Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
  • In a dry cleaner's emporium, "Drop your pants here."
  • On a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
  • In a veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
  • At the electric company, "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
  • In a Beauty Shop, "Dye now!"
  • On the side of a garbage truck, "We've got what it takes to take what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)
  • In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
  • Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
  • In a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."

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Please send an ambulance right away

This elderly gent calls the 911 operator in quite a panic......."Please send an ambulance right away, my wife has just had a heart attack." The 911 operator says, "Hold on sir, do not panic, I need to get some information from you." Ok, but please hurry, I cannot impress upon you how bad I need the ambulance...... Yes sir, I understand, now what is your address? .........401 Eucalyptus, he replies....The operator says, "Would you spell that please?"........There is a long pause on the phone, then the old man says, "I'll drag her down to Oak."

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A Cowboy's Wish

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we feel sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of the third day, you die. What is first wish?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man can only think of one thing." The second day the chief says, "What is your wish today?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to his horse and whispers something in his horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off, and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man--going to die tomorrow-can only think of one thing." The last day comes, and the chief says, "This is your last wish white man. What do you want?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard, and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damm-it! P-O-S-S-E!

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CAT DIARY, part 2

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear  into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan ......

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason   I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and may be snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time

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GEORGE CARLIN WITTICISMS:

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a nonprophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - is he still wrong?
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
11. Is there another word for synonym?
12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?
13. Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
23. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
24. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

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HoW  To  KeEp A   hEaLtHy   LeVeL  Of  InSaNiTy AnD  dRiVe  OtHeR PeOpLe iNsAnE.

  • At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. (One of my favorites!)
  • Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice) 
  • Insist that your e-mail address be  xena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com or Elvis_the_King@companyname.com
  • Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
  • Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over
    their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. (My favorite!)
  • In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors'. (Another favorite)
  • Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
  • Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
  • Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
  • As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
  • Ask people what sex they are.
  • Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go.'
  • Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
  • Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

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TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO JOIN E-MAILERS ANONYMOUS

10. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom, and check your email on the way back to bed.

9. Your firstborn is named dotcom.

8. You turn off your modem and are suddenly filled with a feeling of emptiness, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

7. You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop in your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.

6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

5. You find yourself typing "com" after every period.com

4. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

3. You move into a new home and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

2. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

DRUM ROLL PLEASE AND THE NO. 1 SIGN THAT YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO JOIN E-MAILERS ANONYMOUS:

1. Immediately after reading this list, you email it to someone.

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Quote by Robin Williams

"God gave us a penis and a brain, but not enough blood to use both at the same time."

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Lit'l Nancy

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up," and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat..

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